Sometimes, I Try to Be Invisible

There’s something that I need to confess to you this week:

It’s a secret so lean in close…

I’m a wee bit scared.

Well, maybe a wee bit more than a wee bit.

Maybe it is one of the deepest fears that I carry. One of the fears that has been with me forEVER.

Something that I have worked on and transformed on so many levels and something that is a deep part of my soul’s contract. Something that I will most likely be running into at different levels – and handling! – for the rest of my life.

(that’s what soul contracts look like, after all.)

I have to tell you about it because keeping secrets creates shame.

I don’t want secrets and shame to come between us. Not ever.

There is already way too much of that going around – especially on social media.

(Have you noticed, by the way, how quickly it can get awful on social media? Have you noticed the lynch mob mentality? It hurts my stomach.)

So, what am I scared of?

Facebook.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “What?!! Facebook?!!”

I know. I know. Ridiculous, right? Here’s the real deal…

I’m scared of speaking my truth.

I’m scared of being seen. Pointed at. Recognized.

I’m scared of stating my opinions in any way – let alone the bold way that I’m feeling called toward.

I’m scared of the judgement.

I’m scared of the trolls.

I’m scared of the people who always think they’re right.

I’m scared of the wounded people who, instead of doing their own work, take it out on everyone else.

I’m scared of the ‘call-out’ culture we’ve created where everyone seems to have lost their sense of humour and decency and compassion and replaced it with indignation and rage.

Everything offends somebody and it feels awful.

Almost everyone seems to be offended about something almost all of the time.

And I’m also kinda scared that I’ll hurt someone I care about and they won’t love me anymore.

(by the way, the fear of lost love is a BIG deal, neurologically speaking)

And I know that many of my favouritest clients aren’t really on Facebook that much. They’ve got way too much going on in their real lives to spend a tonne of time on social media.

And when they go on social media, they check in with their friends and family and then they skedaddle because they know…

… they know that being on social media for too long is toxic and a waste of time.

They know that social media is not real life. It isn’t where people are really real.

So, why would I want to be on Facebook?

It’s a powerful platform for business building and for having my voice heard.

(ironic, right?)

It’s also a great place to host groups and stay in touch with my clients.

And it’s a way to stay connected with family and friends, even if it isn’t as intimate as I’d like.

So I’m there.

Sometimes, I Have Facebook-itis

Sometimes I’m there too much.

I scroll too much. I see too much. I take in too much.

There have been many days over the past several years where I have lost hours down the deep rabbit hole of the Facebook feed.

Most days I have discipline and I rein it in.

Some days I just keep my computer shut altogether.

On those days, I fill up on books and stare at the ocean and fill my well with beauty and wisdom.

I keep my computer closed so I don’t get sucked in to the ever-shifting drama of what people are offended by today.

Honestly, sometimes I think that what they are really offended by is the messiness of living on a planet of several billion people and the chaos that that creates… but that’s another story.

But now it has gotten ridiculous – as patterns sometimes must before we do something about them! – now, I’m just hiding and I can’t pretend that I’m not.

I’m holding back.

Not saying what I need to say.

Not sharing my wisdom. My point of view. My thoughts. My perspective and model of the world.

Afraid that people will get upset.

That not everyone will like me… as if they do now! LOL! 

I have 7 tabs open on my computer.

7 things I want to talk about and share and I’ve been avoiding it.

Surprised?

Don’t be. Or do be. Totally up to you. 😉

We have to realize that we’re all human.

We’re all fallible.

We all have fears.

We all have weak areas where the voices creep in – where the enemy tells us that we should stay silent, that we aren’t good enough, that we aren’t valuable, that we aren’t worthy, that no one cares what we think or feel or desire.

Lies, lies, lies. All lies.

But so believable.

So reasonable.

So perfectly designed to hit us where we’re most vulnerable.

The only question that matters is this:

How long are we going to let those fears keep us stuck?

Paralyzed. Frozen. Overwhelmed.

Small.

How long will you keep believing those voices?

How long will you let the thing that you’re afraid of keep you stuck?

How long will I?

It’s a good question and the answer is: no longer.

Why? Three reasons:

1) Because I care more about you than I do about my fear.

I want you to trust me.

I want you to respect me.

And that means I can’t waste weeks and months and years being stuck in fear and shame. Now that I’ve become aware of it and described it, I have a choice to move into and through it, or retreat away from who I’m meant to be…

2) I care more about me than my fear.

Simply put, if I don’t do this, I’ll regret it forever.

Living with regret is far scarier to me than the fear of showing up and being visible and being vulnerable.

Even if it’s hard. Especially because it’s hard.

3) I care more about my passionate purpose than my fear.

There are things that need to be said.

I can’t ignore the nudges any longer without totally betraying my soul and my Mission.

If you’re here, you know that I have a lot to say.

If you’ve been with me a while you know that my Mission is to ‘re-balance the Divine Feminine’ and that is a journey I’ve been on in my own body and world for over a decade.

It has created a way of life that is… well, divine. Divinely connected.

Divinely aligned. Divinely peaceful and abundant and beautiful and sometimes downright ‘take my breath away’ amazing.

(speaking of which… what’s that? you want another ocean photo? okay, here she is this morning…)

(and look at this backyard bluuuuuuuuuuuueeeee…)

(just one more…)

(okay, let’s take a deep slug of that crisp ocean air and get back to the not so real, and yet very real, reality of fear…)

I do have a perspective to share. I do have wisdom to share.

Yes, some people will be offended.

But more will be uplifted. Some may even be changed forever.

That’s my goal. Always.

I’ve got to go for it or I will never become the person that I’m meant to be. The person who is more of the person I’m meant to be than I am now.

So, I’m just gonna get on that.

I’m going to start publishing to my blog again – and applying to publish where there are larger audiences.

I’m going to remember that I am beloved and a daughter of the Divine.

I’m going to stand up to my demons.

No matter how powerful they might seem, I can remind myself that they aren’t more powerful than me. Not when I’m aligned with Infinite Love and Grace.

How about you?

Where are you feeling stuck?

Where is your fear keeping you on the sidelines?

Where is your desire to be ‘liked’ and ‘nice’ silencing your dreams?

How can I help?

Let me know.